Ashbloemstraat

New start; fresh beginnings.

Well, mercury retrograde went out with a bang by really bringing out the crazy and David lost his job at Double Wide. It is really fucked up and most of you probably know the story anyway. For those who may not, it really just boils down to the fact that the owner is bat-shit crazy. Mind you, I've always really liked Kim and never had a problem with her until this. She is cu-koo but it has always been in a pretty fun way. At the same time, one can always sense she is someone for whom you wouldn't want to be on her bad side. Problem is - she just gets a wild hair about something and suddenly out of the blue you ARE on her bad side.

She does not run the bar like a business, and makes everything personal, so instead of just letting someone go (like a normal, sane, business owner), she decided to make it a big drama and hurtful (and, as an added measure, about me too - WTF??). So David's been inconsolable for a couple weeks now (much better this week though) and I've just been pissed off that someone so obviously unstable is even allowed to run a business...

But whatever. It's done, and frankly, so much the better. David hasn't been given a paycheck since last February (I know it's a measly 2.13/hour but come on - I still have to file taxes), he never knew if he was going to piss her off so was anxious all the time, and the bar has gotten considerably shittier the past year anyway. I can count on one hand how many decent bands they have had in 2009. Despite the wonderful memories of our wedding, I'd grown pretty weary of the place and hadn't been much since summer. And I have to say, this aside, I feel like that place is headed towards something really bad. It's just a gut feeling. So despite all the shitty shit, I'm really so relieved David isn't there anymore. 

It's kind of sad for Dallas though.

Plus, it is time for him not to bartend anymore! He's gone back to school and this is a good thing for him. We'll miss the money this month, but he'll get something part-time when we get back from Mexico and it will all be fine. In fact, better than fine. GOOD. GREAT.

In addition, we might move to Oklahoma City or Little Rock. I'll just let that sink in for a while.

And we're going to Egypt in December! I am so excited.

I feel like I have all kinds of things to share, and how I've started a list of 101 things I want to accomplish in 1001 days, and I feel it is a fresh new start, and I'm all excited for the future, even if right now we're still nursing some wounds. We're nice people and didn't really deserve it, but I believe karma is a bitch, and Double Wide and those involved sadly, do not have happy times ahead of them. 

Less mercurial, please.

Right now I am in a hotel in Tulsa. It is very quiet, tucked away off 169 near Broken Arrow. It is situated near a lot of retail including a Target, and yesterday when I went over to get some toothpaste I found these pajamas on sale for $10 and they made me smile a bit, for which I had been sadly wanting since late Tuesday:

He seems a such jolly little elf despite the dumb hat, hanging around on a bright pink background. And, you know, there are more of them spotted around doing the same - mushroom harvesting - and a few have sleds, which leads me to think the pink polka dots are stylized snowfall. It's also 8 degrees and snow-covered here in Tulsa, so their cheery faces and cozy flannel landscape seemed appropriate. 

I started the new year off so thoughtful, happy, and hopeful, and I don't know what happened in the past few days but it really took the shine off. So in addition to feeling a little bit of a target for unknowable reasons, I also feel neither thoughtful nor happy nor hopeful. I also feel a bit uncharitable towards some folk, and less in love with others. In short: the only thing I am happy about right now are these pajamas in this hotel room, which is blissfully populated only by yours truly. I would really like to stay here the whole week.

As a skeptic, I'm not so into the astrology thing, as you can probably well imagine. However, it is interesting how it really seems to speak to something every now and again, and more than one person mentioned Mercury retrograde so I had to read about it a little more, and I found this here little snippet on a new agey site whose link I'm happy to forward if you like but I'm not going to bother linking for now because I am lazy:

Because Mercury itself rules how we think, we will be adjusting everything related to thoughts, concepts, ideas, and communication, especially how technology and material elements play a part in the physical manifestation of ideas. When Mercury retrogrades, we find that many parts of our life are being revised. Often these revisions can be a surprise or throw us back a step. However, these revisions which occur during a Mercury retrograde, are a "course correction" and provide a stop gap measure until we can review situations. During this time of revision, change is compounded and confusion is created by our reactions to the ever-changing situations. Thus anything started during this time will ultimately be taken back or even revised further, making for a high-frustration time. This will be especially true with changing our minds, reviewing new ideas and our communication being improved and honed so not to be mis-understood.

Which, you know, is mostly a bunch of drivel, BUT BUT BUT this exactly what has been happening the past few days. Bad technological communication! Adjusting thoughts! Misunderstandings! Craziness! Spooky, scary! Boys becoming men! Men becoming wolves!

Ah hum. Sorry, just switched to 30 Rock.

So although I cannot say the above is anything but hooey, I think I will follow the website's direction:

The best mode to be in during a Mercury retrograde is one of "non-reaction", and with earth signs being impacted, physical environment will be changing continually during a Mercury retrograde. Treat the time period as a time of gathering information, yet because the information will be in constant change it would be like trying to comb your hair in a wind storm. Best to wait until the changes stop before attempting to make things orderly. Therefore, just let the winds of situations blow around you without reacting. Once Mercury turns direct, take a look at the information that is still around at that time and go about putting everything in order, while maintaining the fine art of flexibility.

Which means I'll just be waiting until January 15 to communicate much with anyone since apparently that's when Mercury stops fucking around. Don't want anyone taking anything I say wrong and feeling insulted, or acting superior, or causing me to feel shitty and stupid, or like my marriage is useless. I'll just sit here and let shit happen around me, and get back to thoughtful, happy, and hopeful as soon as possible.

LEMON OUT!

Happy new year.

2007 was, by far, one of (if not THE) the worst years I ever had, so when I say 2009 wasn't a favorite please do keep in mind that compared to '07 it was a veritable non-stop fiesta with continuously flowing bubbly. Of course, it wasn't terrible, and when I say it was not a favorite we might as well all say in unison "FROM ONE PRIVILEGED WITH HEALTH AND LOVE AND A HOME AND JOB ETC ETC". I am a lucky woman in many respects, and when I say "good riddance, two-t'ousand noin" (because I like talking to myself in a fake Irish accent sometimes) I know that it could have been much much much worse (see: 2007).

The last year was not a favorite because I lost and found my joys so many times over that I forgot what I lost and then found again. And then lost. And then I was just dazed and confused all the time.

Somewhere between the time I lost the camera and new year's day I suddenly became a grown up. This is not to say I didn't do quite well for myself before, nor that I'll never make an immature mistake again, but I suddenly feel quite near my age - nearly 36 - and while that is not old (NOT!), the fact of the matter remains is that I hover somewhere near the middle of my life. That's right. Barring tragedy, my life is naturally almost half over.

I say this not to be morbid or annoying - there is nothing I hate more than when people turn fucking 30 and cry "AH'M SO OLD". I don't feel old. I think I'll probably still make some stupid mistakes. But I have to tell you - I recently awoke one morning and it was like I could hear the clock tick-tocking, and I could only set my jaw resolutely and say, "So here we are then, you and I". 

I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker

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We've rearranged the living and dining rooms and it is starting to feel like a fresh start, which I seem to need, over and over and over again. I know I want to remain here until the end of our time in Dallas, whenever that may be, so the new year seemed as good a time as any to set it up the way we want; to start life anew. Anew. Anew from what, exactly? How many times do I need to start anew to be happy? I guess we'll find out when that Footman tugs at my coat - put the final tally on my headstone, please.

Resolutions come and go easily, but if I was to encapsulate what I hope for the new year, it would be as Alain de Botton wrote on his Twitter account:

Goals for 2010: Concentration, humour, friendship, ambition, courage, good cheer. An end to: paranoia, timidity, self-pity, evil, resentment.

All things on which I need work, and I intend to work hard. There are the normal hopes for change in routine, for the twice more a week at the gym than I currently do, the biking more in bad weather, the more regular writing. But I think - I am quite sure, in fact - that if I concentrate on the goals he set above, the rest will follow. The good will engender all sorts of energy; the avoidance of the negatives will leave more space for that energy to fill in positive and creative and - dare I say - more ambitious ways.

A somewhat funny but current struggle is how I personally will deal with the cloying ubiquity of Facebook. I have to say, I get on it as much as the next person, but I really am starting to dislike its insistence. It is driving me mad hanging onto my trouser legs, demanding attention and replies. And not nice replies either, like our blogs in the old days used to have. Just.... filler. Or its users taking things on it too seriously. Trying to write something nice or honest or creative or just plain casual on Facebook is like trying to give a thoughtful performance of Hamlet's soliloquy in the midst of a of a WWE match.

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I've said it before as well, but I do, in all seriousness, think this is the year to decide about this blog. To be honest, I'm not sure why I do it anymore. I used to do it for the small community we built, but with Brandon gone, Kat not blogging, Neil branding, and, well, everyone else dissipated to the ether, it just is not the same. I write because I like to write, I suppose, but I am not sure what the forum or message should be anymore. And if the only forum is a few real life friends (which is extremely appreciated and valued) then maybe it is time to turn to an email update, or a new way of communicating that isn't Facebook. Perhaps... THE PHONE?

Maybe after six years of blogging I am simply bored with it. I read some blogs and they are so obvious; there is little genuine and creative. The mommy blogs all strive to be Dooce, the politicals Andrew Sullivan, etc. etc. There is a huge roar and din that cancel each other out and leave, to me, a great internet nothingness. Visual white noise; black characters lazing in rows across the screen.

In fact, the only thing I use the internet for, really (except work and news, of course), is humor. And this is why I like Twitter so so much. I sign up for someone funny. I get tweets throughout the day of cheerful little nuggets that make me chuckle, often when I need it most, unbeknownst to the Tweeter. Then it is over. No stupid comments; no copycat blogging. DONE. I love it.

More goals for 2010: Do something good every day. Challenge myself. Stop being a financial idiot. Back to yoga.

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Lastly, I suppose I have to face, with great sadness, the fact that my Amsterdam life as I knew it is genuinely over. The friends remain, but with me, they've all grown older and calmer. Some stop drinking, some are pregnant. The ex has a new girlfriend, and while we both are cordial and happy for each other, the friendship seemed to finally, naturally, and with positive energy, dissipate. The visits are now no longer the old crew out en masse and screaming "KOM OP!", but rather me visiting loved ones one by one, and reminiscing about the crazy kids we used to be; the kids that no longer are. Again, still lovely and valid, but an end nevertheless.

So this may finally be the year that the annual Amsterdam trip is packed quite lovingly away, and David and I do something just for ourselves, or with other friends also due their one on one time. Of course I will be back, of course of course. But never again in the same way. Because it will never again be the same.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!

Everything so old and new at the same time. It's a strange feeling. Mostly good, not entirely not bad. One I have never had before.

**************************************

So with the decade past I bid goodbye to those memorable times, to Amsterdam, the pinnacle of my youth, and the blogs that helped me through the latter part of it. I hope moving forward we - but mostly I - can learn to use the internet well and kindly, not to mention the consideration and love I hope to put in my every day, real life. 

In closing: I bought myself a new (used) Canon Rebel to replace the old. It isn't as nice as the old one, but it didn't cost as much. I decided to start the year being nice to myself, because I don't always need to be as mean to me as I am. And like Annie said - everyone deserves a new toy sometimes.

Nutcracker

Thanks, Annie!

Notes to self.

Idea: Backpacks for cats. Velcro closures for quick removal.

Also: Dog blinders.

Suggestion: Might like Clydesdale as next pet instead of traditional cat or dog.

One Art / Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;

so many things seem filled with the intent

to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster

of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:

places, and names, and where it was you meant

to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or

next-to-last, of three loved houses went.

The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,

some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.

I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture

I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident

the art of losing's not too hard to master

though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Confused.

I haven't been this tired in some time.

Somehow an argument has sprouted between David & I versus an old friend of his. One I admire greatly, by the way, and I know he does too.

It's like being in kindergarten. All kinds of "unfriending" drama on Facebook and not answering phone calls. Frankly, it happening the same day that I found out about Jenny? EXHAUSTING. Can we not fucking talk like a grown up? Like people who are happy each other are ALIVE?? I don't want to deal with both at the same time.

No. Apparently not.

I hate fights. HATE. FIGHTS. When David & I have arguments I absolutely shut down. I just can't take that sort of anger. I don't think it's particularly healthy to shut down like that, but.... i just can't do it. I don't like to think people can be that vitriolic towards each other. I'm deeply disturbed by it.

Anyway. To my knowledge no one has ever been this mad at me. Part of me says FUCK IT, the other part is deeply upset.

It's times like this i miss my friends from Wellesley, Amsterdam, etc. If we were pissed back in those days, we'd just say "Hey. You really hurt my feelings then, " and then the other person would say "Well I don't think you should be hurt because blah". And then we'd figure it out and TAH-DAH! We'd be fine in the end.

Josh and Jeremy and I get into spats and we always come out the other side better.

I miss Annie and Nora and Grady and all those girls beyond any description. Johan Tom and I could always come out the other side of an argument better. I miss all of them so. hard.

So tired.

the wishing tree, heaney

I thought of her as the wishing tree that died 

And saw it lifted, root and branch, to heaven,

Trailing a shower of all that had been driven 

Need by need by need into its hale

Sap-wood and bark: coin and pin and nail

Came streaming from it like a comet-tail

New-minted and dissolved. I had a vision

Of an airy branch-head rising through damp cloud, 

Of turned-up faces where the tree had stood. 

              

To be continued, perhaps.

My brain is reeling at the moment. What a day.

We've got a friend who has decided we aren't friends anymore - a friend who was in our wedding party, and whose creative talent I have bragged about online. That's been bewildering.

But then I found out a friend from my high school class died. We had a class of about 25, so we all know each other pretty well. Too close. I'm so so so heartsick about this.

I don't even know that I can really write about this now, actually. I might come back to it, if I can.

Grumps.

This is going to end up sounding really grumpy and totally unlike me, but for some reason this whole bike zeitgeist in Dallas is rubbing me the wrong way recently. I'm sure I'll feel different in a couple of weeks, but for now, it's true.

I know! Me! Who loves bicycles! And riding bicycles! And bike lanes! And such!

For those of you who read my blog who aren't in Dallas, and that is most of the very few of you, there has been an explosion of bicycle awareness and advocacy happening in Dallas the past year. I would have never guessed my first year here in 2007 that this would happen - rare was the bike rider I saw on the street, the city bike coordinator was vehemently anti-bike lane, and there was no advocacy to speak of.

But in the past year, all of this has begun to change. There is a great fellow over in Oak Cliff doing infrastructure advocacy, there is a new city bike coordinator, and there is a palpable sense of change in the air. I should make it clear that despite my grumpiness recently and my general lack of confidence there will ever be a philosophical shift in the city as a whole (I think some neighborhoods are a different story), I fully support the work that has been done.

So why the irritation recently?

I don't know. I feel like every time I look at fucking Unfair Park (Dallas Observer blog, the Dallas weekly) there is a damn story about bicycling around Dallas. Every fucking day I see a bajillion tweets and Facebook updates about some damn bicycling story or ride or something. And then there are these scheduled rides for which 200 people show up and ride around town to show solidarity or something, I don't know.

But in the midst of all this, you know what? I still don't see people using their damn bikes to simply get around. To go grocery shopping or something. So despite it all, rare still is the bike rider I see on the street just going about their business.

Critical mass rides are fine and all. I am not interested in going on them because I don't like biking with that many people. Though, ok, I get the point. Sure. And I am also sure at the very base of it they are a lot of fun for people who like that kind of thing.

But you know what would be even better? If all of those 200 people on those rides started using their bicycles every day. And started writing more letters to our city officials. And biked those letters over to the post office. Because you know what? I don't really blame a city for only investing $300,000 on a new bike plan though it would take a million to do it properly when they never see anyone on the street except for a mass ride. And if there is one time you DON'T need a bike lane, it's during a mass ride.

And get off my lawn.

Letters.

Last night I wrote a letter for the first time in many many moons.

I can't remember the last time I wrote a letter. I am quite sure that when I moved to Amsterdam I wrote a few in the beginning, but after that I stopped writing letters and relied on email almost exclusively.

Now, nine years later, I wrote my first letter since. I pulled out some dusty stationery, bought some stamps, and wrote to a woman I do not know in Alabama.

We joined a little penpal party, organized by one of my favorite artists, Susie Gharemani. So I write Alabama lady, then she writes me back, then we'll get another name and write another letter. And who knows? If we like each other and continue to enjoy writing, perhaps we'll even - GASP - write each other again!

I used a thick paper with flowers pressed within it. I told her how I got married last year, and how we've had four children in our home, and how I knit these days like a woman with a mission, and how I thought I'd see so many shows this month but I didn't. I told her how Ronnie the Bear and David were napping on the sofa whilst I wrote. I asked her what kind of music she likes and if she has any travel plans for the upcoming year.

It made me wish I had the addresses still of the penpals I had in elementary school. I had one from Sweden. Her name was Katja. And I had one from Hong Kong that I very much wish I could even remember her name - she wrote the sweetest letters on Hello Kitty stationery and things like that.

I wonder if kids do that anymore. Probably not, huh? What a shame. It's a pretty amazing thing, when you are so little and your world is so small, to get letters with stamps and handwriting from far-away places. It has a special way of expanding your horizons. It's not just a piece of paper - it's a whole world.

Calm.

I just got out of a bath, the first I've had in as long as I can remember. This morning before work I did all the right kind of laundry - I cleaned the sheets, towels, blankets, and bathrobes. During my break I went to Bed, Bath, & Beyond (which I avoid generally, because it's like Ikea, I feel really compelled to buy things I don't need) and got us a much needed new duvet & down mattress cover with a couple of gift cards we got for the wedding.

So here I sit, clean, smelling good, wrapped in the familiar pink terry of my bathrobe, giddy about the big fluffy bed waiting for me in the next room. THIS SLEEP IS GOING TO BE SO GOOD, Y'ALL.

But I'll write a bit and knit a bit. I want to be sure I really WANT IT by the time I lay down.

Since all the kids are gone, I've noticed a huge change in my tension level. Also my ability to roll with things, as well as cut myself some slack. I don't feel responsible for anyone's happiness but my own now. Wow, that's nice.

I even see it in things like how I clean. When the kids were here, I was hyper-sensitive about mess, because OH MY GOD WHAT IF THEY CALL THEIR PARENTS AND TELL THEM WE ARE SLOBS AND THEN THE COMPANY HAS TO TAKE THEM AWAY AND WE''LL BE THE DEVIL and so on and so forth. But now it's all cool; it's fine; if I walk by something that needs to be put away elsewhere I might grab it and put it away, but I MIGHT NOT. And that's ok because i'm not worried about someone judging me on it.

I guess I almost took it too seriously in some ways - I was extremely aware that how we lived and how the kids lived in our house would forever shape how they viewed another country. It was a crushing responsibility, to be honest. One I recommend, but not to couples early in marriage. And not one I'll be repeating soon, at least long-term. Working with these kids, it's always a chance we'll have one for a week or two here and there.

And honestly, I'd probably be less and less that way as I did it more. Though I think David would put the smack-down on that real fast should I suggest it in, say, the next five years.

At any rate, I'm slowly making the house our own again. I sold the bunk beds and mattress, so there isn't a place for kids anymore even if we wanted them. I moved the desk and bookshelves into the big bedroom in the back, though I don't have the desk set up yet (just did that 2 days ago). The middle room, where the desk was, is now a proper dining area. EXCITING! We have a decent place to play Scrabble and other delightful board games. I think this weekend I'm going to paint and re-arrange the front room, though that's still on the drawing board as to how we can rearrange it and it WORK.

And now, for knitting. Good night, dear friends and stranger friends. Good night.

Recovery.

So, first of all, a couple agenda items:

1. I am sorry, NaBloPoMo. I failed. Again, I FAILED. But it just wouldn't be me if I succeeded in an endeavor, now would it?

2. Dear Typepad: What the FUCK is this "Quick Compose"? Why does everyone want to be Twitter? I love Twitter, but that's what I use TWITTER for, and NOT Typepad.

3. Cats! STOP IT! You are like feral creatures tonight and you are making me crazy!

4. Speaking of teh crazy: If you see something on CraigsList you like, then you email the person, then CALL and say YEah! I'll be there in 15 minutes to pick it up! then fucking SHOW UP. This is twice I've had to wait on different fuckers and I'm almost ready to kick the person who ACTUALLY picks it up as a scapegoat.

5. Dear KXT: That stupid tagline "Music to the Core" has already made me not want to listen to you.

So. Yup.

It's been a great few days, with one big exception. I lost our camera.

I don't even know what to say about it. I'm so mad & upset. Beating myself up. Down about it. So so disappointed in myself.

You know what's crazy? This is not the first time I've left an expensive piece of digital equipment in a cab. No! It isn't. It would almost be funny except it's so pathetic.

I keep trying to make myself feel better by saying "Oh, it was old, and the flash was broken, and I'd want something more in a year or two anyway". But you know what? 

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ANOTHER ONE. I'm too messy and careless and clumsy and everything to ever have something that nice. So I can't feel better about it. I can just look back on my year with the digital Rebel as a fun time in my life I can never get back again. Like Amsterdam, or Wellesley.

Sigh.

Other than many tears over that, it's been pretty good. I was mostly too down at first to write, and then I was too happy spending time with David (who was so good about not making me feel bad about the camera when he really had every right to). We watched some movies together and I sat on the couch with him while knitting him a new scarf. And Friday was his birthday, so we had the first 1977 cocktail hour and it was busy and fun.  We had ice cream and gingersnaps.

I think we're still in recovery from having so many people around all the time. We're having a hard time doing anything but nesting-type activities at home. Cleaning, rearranging, knitting, latch-hooking and such where I am concerned, and.... sleeping on the couch and watching movies where David is concerned. We'll get active and bikey and gym-y again soon, but for now this is pretty nice.

Sunday I took a crochet class.

I think one day I'm just going to turn into a big skein of yarn. And as we all know, skeins of yarn don't lose cameras, so maybe that will be the day I'll get a new one.

Looks like I lost it there.

Well, I had a crappy and wonderful weekend, and it turns out I didn't want to blog. So I guess I broke my streak. But that's ok. I'm a bit back in the habit now. I'll write more later today.

This is a non-entry.

I am trying to re-train myself to go to bed at a normal hour and I am failing miserably. The problem is Wednesday nights. Wednesdays I work 12-9, but then I want to work 9-5.30 on Thursday, which leaves this evening wherein I quit working so late that I still want a bit of time to myself, then LO IT IS SWIFTLY AFTER MIDNIGHT. 

I haven't gone into my office this week at all. First, I sort of was taking Monday off, then Tuesday and Wednesday came and I just felt lazy and like I also wanted to tidy up around the house while I talked on the phone. Which means I've been in my pajamas for, like, three days now. I think it's time David sees me in something other than flannel trousers. Also time for ME to see me in something other than flannel trousers. Blech. So I think I'll go in tomorrow. The damn cat always wants to sit on my key board when I work here anyway, which makes it awkward to type.

Speaking of cats, I notice that they are all asleep right now. Sigh.  I'm off to try and do the same.