Dear Dallas:

Now, I realize that I have a long track record (i.e. my entire life) of hating on you, so I am sure you are expecting the worst from this letter. So let me start this letter by telling you how pleasantly surprised I have been to discover good and nice things about you. People who live here can be enjoyably quirky in a completely unselfconscious way and I really dig that. For example, one of the reasons the Wig and Moustache Pub Crawl was so fun in Boston was because no one does that sort of shit there, not even in Allston (though Cambridge did have the Zombie Walk, which was pretty rad). If I walked around Expo Park with a wig and moustache on here, no one would really pay much attention. That’s a good thing in my book.

Your bars are fun and delightfully reasonable in price. Women here are spectacularly pretty. I have more space than I ever have had in my adult life. You are sort of beating me down with heat, but then I remember how pleasant February and March were in comparison to other places I have lived and I can’t get too mad. So, you see, I have come around to appreciate parts of you.

But I have to tell you something:

Dallas, you have the worst drivers of anywhere I have ever been. Ever. EVEREVEREVEREVER.

I’ve been to Mexico. Argentina. Pretty much anywhere in Europe. And let me tell you: the first time I had to drive on the left side of the road? STILL I was a better driver than, well, just about anyone else driving around you.

Now, I realize everyone THINKS they are a good driver. But honestly, I can not imagine how these people could possible think they are fit to drive, except for the fact that I see so many people on their phones while they are driving that they might not even notice they are driving AT ALL.

The dodging! The swerving! The vicious refusal to let anyone merge. It’s called the ZIPPER EFFECT, people. I go, you go, etc. It’s really quite easy to do and everyone stays happy and moving! It’s remarkable how one can effect traffic positively if one just lets people merge into traffic! And likewise, the assholes who are too scared to merge onto the highway? I can only slow down so much, ok? They have to take advantage of the spot, or the jerk ass to my left will take advantage of it first so then that person REALLY can’t get in. Come on, Dallas. You have to be feeling me on this one.

Also: the NEVER-FUCKING-ENDING LACK OF THE GODDAMN INDICATOR. Turning on the turn signal IN THE MIDDLE OF A TURN does not really do anyone any good, does it?

As for all these people talking on the phone, I have to say I look forward to the day when it will be illegal to talk on the phone while driving, as many countries have wisely already done. Please let me tell you my favorite story of someone talking on the phone while driving and making a dumb mistake.

The signal at the intersection of Samuell and Lawnview is a three-way stop. Lawnview ends at Samuell, which is a two-way signal, to form a T. The Samuell lights turned red, and everyone stopped. It was about to be my turn to go.

But what is this? Woman who has stopped at the light, yapping on her phone, turns on my light just as it turns green!

Did she just see green out of the corner of her eye and turned thinking it was for her? But she just stopped 2 seconds before at the red. Is there an explanation for this behavior, Dallas? Can you help me out with this?

I know that many people think Boston drivers are terrible. Massholes. I agree that Boston drivers are aggressive and take some getting used to. But I contend that they are always predictable, and the smaller streets mean people driver slower. Dallas drivers are completely unpredictable and they are always fast, which makes them deadly.

Dallas, please sign up each and every one of your residents (except me) for a driver’s test. If more than half pass, I am totally crazy and I will buy you a steak. But since I am fairly certain that you cannot possibly have more than 25% pass, I am pretty sure you will owe me one. Everyone would fail on the turn-signal problem ALONE.

Mostly, though, it just comes down to the fact I need a job close to home. Dallas, we have had a long history. I’d love it if you would just throw me a bone and let me know where there is a good job close to home. Please. Then I will avoid highways at all costs and I will never bitch to you about your crap-ass drivers again.

Love,

Ashbloem