Yesterday I was so tired when I got home that I fell asleep on the sofa probably around, oh, six o’clock or so. Sometime after that I got up and put myself in bed – I do not remember this at all. However, I woke up at a later stage and everything was dark and quiet and I was in my clothes in the bed. I was so confused. It felt like the middle of the night, but I couldn’t remember David coming home from work, and I could not ascertain why I would have gone to bed with my clothes on. I arose, wandering about, and even called David’s name. I looked outside – no car. Really baffled now, I looked at the time: 9:00pm.

It feels like I am somehow out of control of my own life recently, which is odd because I really thought once I stopped travelling I would feel MORE in control. I do not know what all is happening in my brain right now, but I am sorting through it. I cannot say I am UNHAPPY, not at all, but things do not feel settled recently.

I think it has to do with my commute mostly, so I’m going to work on solving that problem very very soon. God I hate driving to work. There is only one year of my life I’ve had to drive to a full-time job, and even then it was about a 20 minute drive. I realize that makes me very spoiled and I think lucky but it also means you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. It is completely draining my life-force, of which there is a lot, so that’s saying something.

As an acquaintance of mine wrote recently: "I know it’s selfish and ungrateful to have all that I have and be so self-destructive, but lately it’s been so hard saving myself from myself." And I say AMEN, SISTER.

In other, more mundane news, I cannot decide what I want my hair to look like. I get it done by my awesome colorist next week, but I am at a total loss for what to do. I was looking at this old photo of me from a couple years ago, and thought maybe the reddish color would be nice again:

…but I’m not sure. I think what I really want to do is chop it off, but I’m feeling a bit constrained by deciding what I want it to look like nine months from now. Which is silly, and I said I wouldn’t be that person, but it is true, part of me wants to have long hair for the wedding. But I think in the end I will do some sort of chop chop. I’m bored with it. I just won’t go too short or anything.

Last night David made one of our favorite dishes ever EVER. Saute up some mustard greens with onions, garam masala, cumin, other spices. Add a tin of tomatoes and a tin of chickpeas. Er, there might be some other stuff. Simmer ten minutes. Eat over jasmine rice with flaxseeds. YUM. We tried this Joy of Cooking recipe first in Boston and it has become a staple. Well, a staple when we buy mustard greens.

I forgot to take pictures. Booo.

Going for drinks with David and Jimi/Jimmy tonight, no matter how tired I am. Guess I’ll leave if I have to.