Ok, I’m going to bed so I can’t follow through on this thought right now but it just struck me that it isn’t that I hate having a house and all it’s responsibilities. All the space of a house and the yard and such is nice – really nice. It’s that I’ve never done it before. I’m trying to live apartment life in a two-bedroom house because as an adult I’ve always lived in small places, and it JUST DOESN’T TRANSLATE.

I can write more regarding this tomorrow, but I think I’m going to have to start thinking of this as a learning curve instead of a lost cause. Then maybe, just maybe, I can make some progress.

Epiphanies are nice.

I’m weirdly locked out of Typepad at home. I’ve written Typepad about it and they think maybe there is a “corrupted cookie”. I liked the sound of that. I thought it would make a good band name.

I have spent more money recently than I am comfortable with, but so it goes when one gets their first couple real paychecks. The annoying part was having to buy new work clothes – I really did need to. All my work clothes are at least two years old, and I was becoming quite self-conscious about it at the office – not that I care TOO much about that kind of thing, but they were a bit threadbare, and I want to make a Good Impression and all that jazz. But now I’ve kitted myself out with a few new shirts and a couple pairs of trousers and I think that should do it. I’ve got skirts to last me a lifetime, and plus, I’ll be making more. Eventually, when I have the time to sit back down at the sewing machine.

I just talked about clothes for a whole paragraph. That has to be a first for this blog. I hate talking about clothes.

Once I get this bike, that’s all the money that shall be spent for the next month. I’m swearing off spending until we go to San Francisco at the end of August. Which means I’ll probably be a hermit for the next month. And to tell you the truth, that’s probably a good thing for me right now, since I’m focusing on getting my ducks in a row.

This isn’t to say you can’t come over and hang out at the pool with me, however.

I enjoy a Tom Waits song here and there, but listening to several in a row just makes my throat feel parched and sore and I have to turn him off. Not to mention it just gets sort of grating generally.

I realize this may not endear me to any readers that are huge fans.

Things have to change.

I say this because while I have nice days, I’m still generally sort of low. And it’s a really irritating low, because it doesn’t accomplish anything: no poetry, no tears, no nothing. I can’t even be bothered to be all dramatic about it. I’m just sort of BLAH. Yeah. I’m more BLAH than low, even. I can’t say I’m depressed. I’m just… nothing.

But things have to change, because I know things that will help.

1. I am going to get a new bicycle.

I just decided yesterday that I’m getting a new bicycle. I looked at used ones, but then I saw a brand new light-weight Trek road bike at the shop yesterday for about $375. $375 ain’t cheap, but I never buy things for myself, and it’s been about seven years since I last bought a brand new bike – and I don’t think $800 in a decade is too bad for my favorite mode of transport. Hell, it’s probably less than two car payments. And yeah, I do have two bicycles already, but the Kronan is just not made for Dallas, and the other road bike I have is a bit too heavy for the sort of maneuvering needed on Dallas streets. And I definitely need to be able to maneuver, because:

2. I am going to start biking to work.

I’ve decided I’m sick of bitching about how I miss biking to work. When I worked north of I-635, I had reason to bitch. But now my job is 10 miles door to door, so I’m just being lazy. Sure, it has been a while since I road a bike daily, but it won’t take me long to get back in the habit. The thing that will be a little stressful is figuring out the best route – which is to say, determining the SAFEST route. Just because I’ve decided it is do-able doesn’t mean Dallas is much of a biker’s city. There are some streets I currently drive to work that I don’t think would be prudent to bike on. BUT most of the route is simple, which is why I came to the decision that it needs to happen. I’ll just have to find shortcuts for the scarier bits. I guess I need a helmet though. I’ve almost never ridden with one of those. Come to think of it, maybe it is the law here?

3. I am going to get really strict with myself about my sleep schedule.

I just have to go back to the days where I was in bed by X:00pm and I woke at Y:00am. I am a creature of habit and without a daily routine I just go bonkers. No more “Just one more episode of 30 Rock before I go to bed” business anymore. And there isn’t going to be any of that either because:

4. I am going to get away from that damn television.

See, this is why I didn’t even OWN one for so many years. Yes, there is a lot of shit on, but I’m not tempted to watch all that. It is the GOOD STUFF that pulls me in. And it isn’t really TV that pulls me in – it’s that we’ve got this Netflix thing going and so we ALWAYS have something good and/or new to watch and so I’m not even reading! We’ve been going through them at a fairly brisk rate and that is going to have to slow down for me (even if David wants to keep it up, I just can’t). It isn’t like we have to get them back on a deadline. Mother nature is telling me to SLOOOOOOOOOOW DOWN and get away from the DVD player. Which I have to, because:

5. I am going to finish this house.

We have one more room and the kitchen floor. That is not much. And the one room is MOSTLY just painting. I want it done. I am so over this house; I don’t even care it was once my grandparents because it is such a pain in my ass now. But even before starting that:

6. I am going to establish some task lists splitting David’s & my responsibilities in the house.

I just read a statistic somewhere – ok, it was Playboy – that after marriage the husband’s weekly time devoted to housecleaning increases by 1 hour. The wife’s? By seven. And I have to tell you, I am not finding that statistic unbelievable – though I’m reacting by just not doing ANYTHING I feel so overwhelmed by it all, so I can’t exactly say that statistic applies to me. I accepted a long time ago that there are some things that bother me in the house more than they bother him, and I’m willing to accept the time it takes to keep things the way I want them. But we can definitely split things into definite and regular individual responsibilities. I am going to be thinking about this while you are out of town, Davey. And I’m going to get a white board. And some markers. And some gold sticky stars so we’ll know when we’ve done good. Man, I hate having a house. Someone put me back in an apartment where I had only two rooms and a goddamn handyman.

7. I’m going to sleep better…?

Now, how I’m going to make this one happen I don’t know. It’s the only one I don’t have a plan for. There are two big problems with this one: A.) CATS. and B.) DAVID. The cats: I can’t win whether they are in or out of the room. Inside, either Gus starts playing with the mini-blinds at 5:30am, or the kittens start playing. Outside, they meow at the door. ARG!! And I want CHILDREN? Fuck that, man. Four cats is plenty. David: He’s a bartender. He doesn’t come to bed until after 4. He usually smells like a bar. If he comes home and chills out with a few drinks (which, I don’t blame him for that – I go home and try to chill with a few drinks after work too) he gets REALLY tossy-turny though. I mean, pulling the covers all over and off and kicking and elbowing kind of tossy-turny. I don’t know what to do about either of these things. Roofies for everyone?

and lastly…

8. No more Diet Cokes, bacon, Jager, or those “occasional” cigarettes.

I’ve eased off Diet Cokes to the degree I think they can go all together now. No more bacon (not that I eat much anyway). Jager is just too sweet to drink as anything other than the occasional aperitif. And why the fuck am I smoking again? So stupid, even if it is only now and again – and I’m really not against the occasional cigarette, I’ve just come to terms with the fact that even the irregularly timed smokes make me feel really really shitty. Anyway, I guess what I’m saying here is I continue to move forward in my quest to banish everything questionable from my diet/oral intake. It hasn’t been so hard, really. I just can’t seem to do it all at once.

I feel better just for having written that all out. I really do. Hrm.

First of all, I have to say I made a kick-ass dinner tonight. I adapted this corn biscuit/mole casserole recipe from Veganomicon to suit the vegetables we got at the market; and I used real milk instead of soy, and made part of it with meat to suit David’s protein needs; and I used a bit of blue cornmeal instead of regular. It is maybe a bit more of a wintery dish, but it is amazingly flavorful and full of things that are good for you. The mole is not mole, really – more of an intensely spiced peanut sauce. But it was veddy veddy good. Rich, but good. Thumbs up. We’re also up to our eyeballs in couscous – whole wheat, israeli, regular – so it’s going to be couscousapalooza around here these days. So if anyone wants to indulge an overwhelming CRAVING for COUSCOUS please feel free to come over.

But of course I really wanted to have one more entry on the whole Catholic Charities thing. I probably should note, Ali, that I didn’t know you read my blog, or I would have just addressed you directly, or maybe even held off on saying anything. But obviously it was on my mind as much as yours so I was just trying to go through some of the thoughts I was having on the topic; sort of as best I could while at work, you know? It’s hard for me to know who is reading this thing – I look at my stats every day, but of course with so many people in Dallas reading I can’t possibly know who is connected to what server (mostly I like to see what weird search terms people use to get to my blog). Anyway, now that it is out there as a topic I just want to clarify my thoughts on a couple things – also, I didn’t really realize that you were religious, so hopefully I didn’t/won’t seem too judgmental. Certainly it isn’t personal, anyway, but I think you know that.

In your comment, you noted that mainstream Christian theology “considers it sinful and wrong to condition assistance on adopting certain beliefs, or acting or failing to act a certain way”. The thing is, Ali, I’m not convinced that that is “mainstream” – not in America, at least. I think academic theologies are fascinating and CAN BE morally inspiring and have made me consider – more than fleetingly – about pursuing an M.Div., but I’m not sure that in practice this is the case. Even if organizationally charities do not condition assistance on adopting belief, I suspect the drive exists on a more personal and/or subtle level. I suspect many of these organizations count on pulling people into the fold, be it for increased manpower, tithing, favor with god – who knows? But I cannot accept that there is a complete lack of recruitment occurring. Maybe there shouldn’t be, but I just don’t believe there it does not exist.

I think we agree on the regressive stance on women – I ALSO believe that it should be the state providing education and economic opportunity. I do not deny there is a problem there. In fact, in some ways I am more pissed off at states for slacking off and letting religious charities fill the void – it makes them lazy and feel they aren’t responsible, and I find that almost as morally insulting. But like I said – the hungry NEED to be fed, and if charities can do it right now than they should. I just WANT to see a move towards more socialist behavior towards things like this.

But this is because I am an avowed atheist, and in the end I am always going to be skeptical of anything with a religious basis. However, I have also been coming to terms with the fact that I tend to operate in a sort of Ash’s Ideal, where religion does not exist and social programs help everyone they should. And that’s just silly, because I will never, ever see that world come to be. So I am learning – trying to learn – that I can hate the entire construct of religion, but it is doing some things that governments are not doing right now, and I should probably just chill the fuck out about it. At least they are helping people. Unlike our government doing anything at all about unaffordable healthcare, and an unacceptable rate of infant mortality in what is supposed to be the WORLD SUPERPOWER. Like Lillet said, I don’t think everyone involved with faith-based charities has an ulterior motive, and I should stop acting like they do. I do, however, think more of them do than you do. But that’s just skepticism based on my atheism, so you can kind of just leave that, I guess, because it is unlikely to change after 34 years.

(Apparently, going to the Garland Super-Christian HELL HOUSE in high school really shaped my views regarding Christianity, religious social views, and proselytism. )

In the end, I think you are right – it is this word ‘love’ and ‘loving’ that I’m finding problematic in context of the argument. I somewhat think we are talking more about care and compassion and empathy (as I think Lillet was also saying), and I find the word ‘love’ too much, especially in light of what socialist vs nationalist services can do to change a system. I CAN overcome, as you say, dislike and disgust. But I’m not sure I ‘love’ strangers enough to not recognize the dislike and disgust I might feel about a particular situation or personal history. BUT! I think recognizing it keeps me avowedly committed to changing what I find dislike-able and disgusting, in fact. But I hope it doesn’t keep me from being less compassionate, or empathetic to those who need it – hell, to just everyone. But ‘love’ is personal. I like to keep my ‘love’  to those who I keep closest. Who keep me sane and smart and happy. Like David. Or Lillet. Or you, you sweet girl. If I felt that way about everyone… wow, I just don’t know how I’d live a life where I got anything done or enjoyed MYSELF.

But yes. A problematic word. LOVE. Perhaps a whole new discussion? In person?

Though I have to say, debating ANYTHING with a Harvard Law graduate studying for her bar exam is a little intimidating.

I’m still ruminating over that last entry and the thought-provoking responses, but at the moment deeper thought is overshadowed by my delight in this: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1823766

Last night while playing Apples to Apples, Ali and I started debating whether Catholicism is popular and useless (my view), or popular and useful (hers). And I realized that I’m just pretty damn close-minded to faith-based services. So the question I have been asking myself is: since faith-based charities are not going away anytime soon, what do I accomplish being so militantly opposed to them? And aren’t there parts of them that I should give credit to?

Basically, Ali contends that Catholic services do far more good than bad. In this I have not been so certain, as I contend they do little to break the cycle of poverty, instead treating all the manifestations of that state – which is NOT to say a service shouldn’t exist for that as well. Certainly if someone is hungry, they should be fed. But I also believe they should also be given the resources to choose not to have dickety-two children (birth control & access to abortion), and perhaps once that happens some of the funds can be used for things other than simply supporting the daily needs of poor, growing families. Of course, I understand that there are those that probably will never be able to pull themselves out of their situation. But there probably are many – especially women – who could, if they were encouraged in different ways than how I understand these charities to work.

I guess it also comes down to the fact that I fundamentally cannot support services that do not encourage birth control, do not support abortion rights, and THEN terminates adoption work in Massachusetts rather than place children who need homes with GAY PARENTS. Holy smokes! Let’s tell women that abortion is wrong, then just leave them with a child they can’t afford instead of helping them with adoption! So now that I think it through, it probably has less to do with my atheism than my views on reproductive and sexual rights – though their views on these matters are tied into belief in God. So whatever. It’s all the same, I guess.

But she also said something last night that made me realize something new about myself – not REALIZE, exactly, but crystalized some self-knowledge. When I suggested that socialized government services could provide much the same but without the tie to religion, she said something along the lines of such services lack a LOVE that is implicit in Catholic Charities.

So I thought about this on the way home. And I said to David: EXACTLY. You know what? I really do not have a lot of love for most people. I find most reprehensibly idiotic, close-minded, and tiresome. I would really like to punch some of the parents of the kids my sister teaches in the face because they make terrible choices in their child-rearing. Right-wing nuts and apathetic teenagers make me very very frustrated with the condition of the human intellect. I can’t even pretend to have love for these people (though I could definitely work on containing some contempt).

HOWEVER. I DO believe that there is a social obligation for us all to support each other. I believe it is in the common interest to be sure people have access to social services such as health care, reproductive counseling and services, good education, job assistance, and child care. I believe such tax-supported services make our world a better place, even the playing field, and encourage people to feel a part of the system since they are contributing to it financially. I do not feel I have to love people for this to be so. In fact, I might love people more if we had these systems of solidarity. Can such service be caring and respectful? They should be. But driven by love? I don’t know; I think I’m too pragmatic for that.

Truth is, I agree with some of the Catholic Charities missions, such as worker’s rights and fair wages and all that business. I just don’t see why we need God and some ideal of Love All to talk about them.

I sound like a mighty bitch, don’t I? Or maybe we just define ‘love’ itself differently. Hm.

These days I look at my blog and say to myself, “Jesus, is that all I can come up with?” and “Sweet moustache, that’s all I got?”, and I remember days years past when I could barely put my pen down due to visions and dreams and wistful cravings. And I don’t know if that is all gone now, exactly, but the fury has been tempered into what would now just be considered a slightly elevated blood pressure most of the time.

I keep having these crazy dreams, though, and it may indeed just be the combination of Benedryl and beer bongs, but it makes me think that I still have some creativity in there SOMEWHERE, and if I wasn’t trapped during the day doing laundry and rebuilding a kitchen it might come out in more fun ways than nighttime visions of being trapped in a junta-ruled walled city in an unknown place, me creeping carefully around the borders trying to find a way out.

Saturday I worked at Double Wide, which I do from time to time because it is usually fun. But when one of the organizers of the show accused me of stealing I had to hold my own fists down and bite my own tongue – I could actually envision my fist in his ugly gob, and it made me giggle and instead I just kicked him out. I moderated, though I seriously seriously wanted to fight. And I can’t remember EVER wanting to fight someone.

So I guess I’m settling into a new moderated life, which has it’s own pleasures and joys. Some of the old energy seeths, however, and while I can do without punching people, I don’t want to give up these dreams, because it feels like all the excitement I have right now.

Except for that homemade blueberry ice cream waiting for me in the freezer at home – now THAT’S excitment.

It is really nice to have our kitchen back again. I celebrated today by making:

1. Fresh blueberry ice cream in our new ice cream maker (from the wedding, but I finally pulled it out and used it – I LOVE IT).
2. Tofu “egg” salad.
3. Green bean/tomato/zucchini with coriander seeds and lime juice on whole wheat couscous.

Sweet moustache, are they all good.

Today i stayed home from work. I wasn’t sick really, but I had a headache and was tired and just didn’t feel like going to work. I feel a little bad about it, but whatever. I went back to bed after trying to get ready and slept until after 2pm, so i clearly needed the sleep more than I needed to sit at the computer doing the stuff I do. I had a bunch of crazy dreams though, so woke up a bit discombobulated.

Yesterday I did the first beer bong of my life. Yeah, yeah, I know – 34 years old is a bit late to have never done that, I guess. But you know. I went to nerd high school, and the only frat parties I went to were at MIT and Harvard (well, finals clubs there, but pretty much frats), and tastes ran more towards shots than kegs, on the whole. So I figured I ought to check it off the bad behavior list before I have kids or whatever. I was pretty good at it and it was fun, but I won’t be making a habit of it anytime soon. Maybe once the kids are sullen teenagers it will be an appropriate stress-relieving activity, however.