Wow, I’ve been working on this crazy spreadsheet ALL DAY and my eyes are starting to go a little wonky. Have to take a break.

One of my old Amsterdam friends wrote me sputtering mad about the anti-bicycle lanes guy. I’m still in a state of finding it quite unbelieveable. The guy is the bicycle commissioner (actually, I found out his title is “Transportation Alternatives Coordinator “) and his blog sounds like a lunatic raving on a street corner. I can’t find anything that indicates this position is elected which means it is a hired position. So I HAVE to find out who this guy knows/blows, because there is not otherwise any good reason for him to have the job. To have that position and reject the usefulness of bike lanes outright is just mindblowing to me.

Went out for coffee with Miss F last night. Things are bothering her, but I really think most of it is adjustment issues. Not to mention the normal teenage stuffs. She says that on the whole she is happy, so I have to believe her. She very well may be frustrated with me, or home, or school, but I can’t address things she won’t tell me. Anyway, I know she will be fine. She’s a star, that one.

I have made the decision that I WILL change this blog off Typepad. Most likely onto LJ, where I can lock the entries I deem fit to lock. Now that I have the girls I want to post photos and such, but I don’t think it is fair to them to have them all out in public and they not know about it.

But I’m also thinking about some other sites too. Mainly, I want to get back to FREE. It is sort of silly to be spending money on my blog. It isn’t like I’m selling anything through it. I’m just babbling. Any suggestions? Sites to use? Things to sell?

Anyway, I will try to do that by the first of the year. If I do choose to go with LJ, I know that will be a pain for some folks, as to read locked entries you will have to get a username. But I suspect most things will stay public anyway, so unless you WANT to hear about teenage angst, you don’t really have to. I’ll switch over the ashbloemstraat domain and everything. I’ll let you know when it is all going down, though.

So, remember how I said I was happy to find a bicycle enthusiast's blog here in Dallas? His mission is to make Dallas more bicycle friendly, starting by establishing more bicycle lanes in the Oak Cliff neighborhood (everyone who came to the wedding – the Belmont Hotel was in this neighborhood). As a former Amsterdamer, Luzerner, and Bostonian in their own turn, ALL of which have more bicycle lanes than Dallas (which is not hard (and I still think Boston has a long way to go compared to Cambridge)), I agree that I felt far better about riding in all of those cities than I do here and it has EVERYTHING to do with the bike lanes, so I'm on board with his efforts. Mind you, I am talking about 15 years of my life here – not just a bit of time when cycling as a way of life was a novelty.

Any long-time resident of this blog knows that since I moved here, I have ridden much much less. Which is to say, not at all. Which has been really hard for me. In all the above cities, I biked to work or to errands exclusively – I mean, unless it was raining or snowing REALLY hard. Then I would begrudgingly take the bus or metro. But yeah. No car at all. I biked miles a day. I had one major accident, and that was because I was drinking too much, so totally my bad (I never biked drunk again). But here? Not a mile. On any of the four bikes we own from living in more bicycle-friendly cities. They just sit there.

I know I need to really kick my ass to just get out there. But I also think Dallas drivers are among the WORST I have ever seen. So would I, an intermediate commuter cyclist, feel safer with bike lanes? Hell yes. It isn't a cure for poor driving, but it would certainly keep drivers somewhat aware that cyclists are on the road, right? I'm not saying one must abandon all due diligence, but in a city where there are almost no cyclists, having some indication on the road that they may be there can't be a bad thing, right?

Well, thanks to this nice person's blog, I've discovered that there are actually people out there who actually are anti-bicycle lanes (????). Have I lived under a rock? I don't think so. Seriously, I've been in a lot of places and met a lot of different kinds of people but this is a new one for me and IT BLOWS MY MIND. Like Sarah-Palin-supporters blow my mind. I'm flabbergasted. Like, even if you think lanes lull some riders into a false sense of security, you are seriously against them EVERYWHERE? Wide boulevards where there is lots of room? Main thoroughfares through downtown?

I guess those Dutch are pretty dumb! IMAGINE: A health care system that works, and lots of bike riders! Sounds terrible, I guess.

The worst part is that thanks to this blog, I found out that the Bicycle Coordinator of Dallas is one of the anti-lane enthusiasts. Wow. I seriously have no words. This is just stupidity to the nth degree, but given the way DISD and the city council are run, I can't expect much better out of this city. Not to mention his blog is absolutely fantastical. Comparing bike lane enthusiasts to parents of failing children? Really? I declare that metaphor officially stretched. Is that an elected position? I HAVE TO KNOW.

More reasons to keep our three year plan to leave here in mind. But I seriously wish Manny T Moto the best of luck. Being bicycle-friendly is one of the top things I'm looking for in a new city, and one of the main reasons I will move out of this one.

Do you know how often I have butted heads with people who say that? Anyway, now I will just hand them number 1 from the following op-ed:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/20/AR2008112002420.html?hpid=sec-health

And send them this report:

http://www.commonwealthfund.org/publications/publications_show.htm?doc_id=726492

Yay. Had a great weekend with David, the girls, and getting some things done at home. I feel almost – ALMOST – caught up. Got some sleep! Lots! Everything is feeling better. Things are falling into place quickly – the girls now feel a part of the family as opposed to visitors, and David will probably make some changes to his schedule after the new year so we get one weekend night to ourselves.

I knew once I put my mind to it everything would start looking up. I just felt so over-loaded for a couple weeks there.

I’m not through it all yet, but such a nice weekend with friends and family helped considerably.

The only downside is that I sensed Miss F might be having a bad couple of days – but hey. I had lots of those when I was a teenager. She seems to have remarkably fewer of them than I ever did, so I am not very worried about her. Will have coffee with her tonight though just to be sure.

Family at the Cha Cha bash
Originally uploaded by ashbloem.

I love this family photo! Our girls are so pretty!

I have had a much better couple of days. David has been home for two straight nights from work and he’s taking an extra one tonight, and having the regular time together has been a nice change. The girls have also been busy the past two nights, and so have been around less. We also got out of the house & played games over at Angie and Carlos’ place with a couple other people so we felt like we were doing something other than parenting and sleeping during the week. And finally, I have had about eight hours sleep a couple days in a row and it has been marvelous.

It just all further confirmed – not that I needed it to be, really – that my malaise is easily soothed by changes in my environment and behavior and I will just keep focusing on that. I also feel better because the temperature dropped and it was actually about 50 degrees today. Cooler weather always perks me up.

I have one more thing to finish here at work and then I am leaving. I am actually excited about having a Friday night with David. We don’t have plans, but that feels pretty nice too. We’ll have dinner with the girls and then I’m sure they will go out, and we can come up with something.

Did you know kids in Dallas get all of Thanksgiving week off these days? That seems excessive, given that they will have a two week vacation in a mere three weeks! Hopefully they will be out and keeping themselves busy a lot.

And also: barring anything happening with the girls or our car, I’m definitely driving to St. Louis for Thanksgiving. I’ll do the entire haul on Wednesday, then decide if I’m doing the whole thing back on Sunday or splitting it over Sat/Sun or Sun/Mon. It’s far to drive, but it will be good for me to have a few days with friends and Philippino food. Mmmmmm.

Originally uploaded by ashbloem.

Miss F reads The Golden Compass upon my recommendation.

There are certain songs that on some primitive level make people react emotionally. I remember that my friend Grady used to spontaneously come to tears when that club song by Sonique would play… you know that one I mean, right? I can't remember the name. "Makes me feel so HIGH…"…? She didn't even know the lyrics. It was the combination of notes. The key. It just made her throat close up and tears come to her eyes.

Anyway, I do that with Sun Kil Moon's "Carry Me Ohio".

It came on in the bar, and I was incapable of conversation for a bit. It is just the sound of his voice and the key or something. But it gets me every time.

My throat closes.

And there is another that I saw on Pitchfork ages ago that I can no longer find on their website, but had to look up on YouTube. I guess her label did not end up releasing her album. It was over-produced and generally not cool, but when I heard this song a couple years ago I thought she sounded so heartbeaking and Dolly Parton-ish. Anyway, when I hear it the lyrics make me think of my grandmother, and how she tortured my grandfather with the memory of her dead war-time husband before him. And how she was never satisfied.

But also  just like it. I guess if it keeps coming to mind after 2 years it has something. Fuck my indie cred. Anyway, I only found it only because of Pitchfork. BPffft.

I really need to pull my shit together.

I am chronically tired. I have been terrible about taking care of myself. I am not getting enough sleep. I’ve had this damn cough for a month (though it is much much better). I am not exercising. I barely remember to wash my face or brush my teeth at night.

I feel like I do not have enough time with my husband. I thought I would like him working on Friday and Saturday nights but I don’t (I mean, the money is nice, but that’s about it). It means he isn’t free on nights I am free, and then because he comes home at 5 he sleeps all day so I don’t see him then either. And it means I can’t work on our bedroom, which is the last room to be unpacked and organized because I don’t want to bother him. I liked our routine so much better in Boston.

I haven’t taken many photos and I have not practiced my painting. Or knitting. Or anything I enjoy doing really. Except cooking – I have made some awesome stocks the past couple days with our new pressure cooker, so that’s good.

Yesterday at work I started feeling panicky. Like really having a hard time breathing and getting tunnel vision. I managed a line about a doctor appointment and headed home early. I really was not sure I was going to make it though. I probably should not have been driving. But I also really cannot let how I am feeling now effect my professionalism, and it did yesterday. I came home and had a cry in David’s neck and made a pork stock with some old bones we had and I felt a bit more grounded.

I’m sorry I’m being a complainer. I know this is ALL stuff within my control so I really don’t deserve any sympathy. I know I do better with a routine and regular exercise and doing something creative and I have not just sat down and figured out what that routine should be. I haven’t had much time to myself. I love the girls but I am not sure I like being a parent. I love my husband but sometimes it is hard to be a wife.

Work has been sort of so-so the past couple of weeks as well. I really like my new job, but I am sort of straddling my old & new positions until they get someone new in, and that makes it hard to feel I am fully present and thorough in either one. It won’t be much longer, so I am not stressed about it. It is just sort of adding to the low-self-esteem malaise.

All this means I have pretty much decided to not partake in Thanksgiving. I need some space. Desperately. I will really miss being with David, but we were going to spend Thanksgiving separate anyway. My mom is going to be upset. She said the other day “I really wish you wouldn’t because that’s the only day of the year we all [meaning her brother & my aunt & cousins] get together.” But you know what? We all live in the same damn place. We could all see each other a lot more if anyone cared enough to put the effort into it, but they don’t. And the last time I tried I got yelled at by my sister. My sister & cousin blew off David’s birthday party the other day. They could have stopped by, but they didn’t. So I’m not going to Thanksgiving. Fuck it. They can make their own damn turkey.

David’s family gets together every week. Maybe not everyone, but whoever can knows there is a standing invitation. We can’t always go, but we try for once a month. I have never seen anyone yell or fight at these family shindigs. I’m not naive; I know all families have their fights. But it certainly seems it is less of the norm for his. Simmering tension has been the theme of every family function I can remember since my grandparents’ health started disintegrating and my mom went through menopause. Christ. What a fun decade it has been. Blech.

Oh and someone stole 1200 dollars out of my bank account (I got it right back from the bank, but STILL). I am seriously hating people right now.

So there it is. 2007 still is the worst year ever, but October & November 2008 are two of the worst months I have ever had. I’m actually ready for some Christmas cheer because it means this month will be over.

Last night David & I went to the Candlelight Walk on Henderson. Some of the little shops along the way stayed open late and served wine & food to kick off the holiday shopping season. We went into a few little charming shops we had not visited before and had a few glasses of wine, and yes, even bought our first Christmas gift of the season. I also found a teak dresser I would really like for our bedroom, but decided to think about it for a few days. If it isn’t there once I decide, it was not meant to be. I also got a larger-than-usual-for-me necklace at the Afghani/Turkish store. I love Middle Eastern jewelry but if one is a woman of a certain age living in Texas I think one has to be careful about wearing such things, lest one crosses into the new-age-Southern hippy look. Which has a certain charm in Austin & Santa Fe, but is certainly not my thing. Then again, I don’t own any flowing floor length skirts or dresses, so I am probably ok.

We went into Milton Kent Antiques – this place was amazing! I mean, most antiques there were not of the sort that interest me, though I did see some wonderful cut glass decanters and a very impressive butcher block. However, just the jumble of traditionally pretty stuff was impressive – and even more so that the owner actually lives there! Seriously, he lives his life surrounded with these amazing things all around him all the time. I would guess he is creative as all get-out.

The only WHAT THE FUCK moment of the night was when we were in Milton Kent and – in front of the gracious and helpful gay boys who were serving wine and showing people around – some dude on the phone in the middle of the room said inappropriately loudly, “WELL I just think marriage HAS to be one man and one woman otherwise EVERYTHING IS FAIR GAME”. What a fucking douche. I looked at one of the boys and said “DICK!” and he said “Can you trip him for me?”. UG. I’ll tell you what should be fair game is me kicking that guy in the nuts.

Fortunately everything else was so nice it didn’t ruin anything, and we went home and had some cava and sex and it was a super nice evening. Mmmm. Cava and sex.

I found a few Dallas area blogs with things to do, and by bicycle enthusiasts (they DO exist here!), and they are making me feel better about being in Dallas. Also the new house helps. I have been going through a stage of thinking I can’t hack another three years here, but I am starting to feel a little more connected to “the scene” – at least as an observer (which is cool with me). At least I’m starting to sense a soul to the city, faint as it is, and that really helps.

Also I signed up for the White Rock Half Marathon, which is in exactly one month. Hey Ash, have you ran at all for the past two months? No. What’s the most you’ve ever run at once? Oh, five miles or so. Have you lost your mind? Perhaps. Mostly I just want to get out and do something, and if I have to run half/walk half than that’s cool.

Today is Davey’s birthday! Oh man, am I ever glad he was born. I think maybe I’d still be knitting in my old Boston apartment, cuddling with Gus if he wasn’t. Then again, I WAS preparing to go teach in Asia, so maybe I’d be doing some Thai dude or lady, or combination thereof. Hard to say. Nevertheless, I’m chuffed as anything to be with him, even if it is Dallas instead of Denmark or India or something. LOVE YOU HUSBAND.

OK I said I wasn’t buying anything else for the house but I bought this and I don’t even care: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=17277671

That’s it though. No more things. We have everything we need.

Except that teak dresser for the bedroom.

OK but THEN we have everything. Yup.

Seriously, I’m sick of buying material items (though it was understandable we needed stuff for the new place). I hate it. Back to plane tickets for me.