I have really been out of it for a week now. From not feeling well to making the house HOME to moving in the girls, it’s been a hell of a ride. I am finding it pretty tough, to be honest. I need days off work just to play catch-up, but as I do not want to use my holiday time I have been trying to avoid that as long as possible.

For those of you wondering, the second job offer sort of… disappeared. I spoke with Pal about it, and he is pretty sure they went into a hiring freeze. Which is fine and all, but how about just leaving me a message telling me that? You know, “Hey there – we are still really interested but the project has been pushed back a few months” ? But that’s ok. I’m happy where I am and if it circles back to me I’ll just start from square one in the decision-making process again.

It would also seem that we have had to put the honeymoon on hold. We just can’t go away for three weeks while we are living with two teenagers. I suspect we’ll do something shorter in the spring, then take a longer trip in the fall. I am less sad about this than I thought I would be. Tell the truth, I’m sort of happy to have one less thing on my plate. Never thought I would say that about a TRIP, but there you have it. Evidence of my exhaustion.

My skepticism over women who say they CAN “have it all” has been solidified during this time. Seriously – any woman who says she can have a challenging job AND raise/stay involved with her children AND devote needed time to her relationships AND keep having sex with her significant other AND relax and have hobbies is ON CRYSTAL METH.

Or maybe I’m just not driven enough.

I want to visit pawn shops and see if my Dyson is around, but I’m just too tired.

Tonight I steel myself against the audacity of hope. I want to embrace it, but I just can’t. Not after last time. As though to remind myself, today I re-read the NYT endorsement of John Kerry from 2004.

“If he [Bush] wins re-relection, domestic and foreign financial markets will know the fiscal recklessness will continue. Along with record trade imbalances, that increases the chances of a financial crisis, like an uncontrolled decline of the dollar, and higher long-term interest rates.

[...]

We look back on the past four years with hearts nearly breaking, both for the lives unnecessarily lost and for the opportunities so casually wasted. Time and again, history invited George W Bush to play a heroic role, and time and again he chose the wrong course. We believe that with John Kerry as president, the nation will do better.

Voting for a president is a leap of faith. A candidate can explain his positions in minute detail and wind up governing with a hostile Congress that refuses to let him deliever. A disaster can upend the best-laid plans. All citizens can do is mix guesswork and hope, examining what the candidates have done in the past, their apparent priorities, and their general character. It’s on those three grounds that we enthusiastically endorse John Kerry for president.”

It’s still mind-blowing to me the cavalier mass stupidity that allowed George W Bush to become president the FIRST time, much less the second. America is truly reaping what she has sown. So sorry if I can’t get too excited, no matter what the polls say. The track record of taking ourselves seriously is not so good.