2007 was, by far, one of (if not THE) the worst years I ever had, so when I say 2009 wasn't a favorite please do keep in mind that compared to '07 it was a veritable non-stop fiesta with continuously flowing bubbly. Of course, it wasn't terrible, and when I say it was not a favorite we might as well all say in unison "FROM ONE PRIVILEGED WITH HEALTH AND LOVE AND A HOME AND JOB ETC ETC". I am a lucky woman in many respects, and when I say "good riddance, two-t'ousand noin" (because I like talking to myself in a fake Irish accent sometimes) I know that it could have been much much much worse (see: 2007).

The last year was not a favorite because I lost and found my joys so many times over that I forgot what I lost and then found again. And then lost. And then I was just dazed and confused all the time.

Somewhere between the time I lost the camera and new year's day I suddenly became a grown up. This is not to say I didn't do quite well for myself before, nor that I'll never make an immature mistake again, but I suddenly feel quite near my age – nearly 36 – and while that is not old (NOT!), the fact of the matter remains is that I hover somewhere near the middle of my life. That's right. Barring tragedy, my life is naturally almost half over.

I say this not to be morbid or annoying – there is nothing I hate more than when people turn fucking 30 and cry "AH'M SO OLD". I don't feel old. I think I'll probably still make some stupid mistakes. But I have to tell you – I recently awoke one morning and it was like I could hear the clock tick-tocking, and I could only set my jaw resolutely and say, "So here we are then, you and I". 

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We've rearranged the living and dining rooms and it is starting to feel like a fresh start, which I seem to need, over and over and over again. I know I want to remain here until the end of our time in Dallas, whenever that may be, so the new year seemed as good a time as any to set it up the way we want; to start life anew. Anew. Anew from what, exactly? How many times do I need to start anew to be happy? I guess we'll find out when that Footman tugs at my coat – put the final tally on my headstone, please.

Resolutions come and go easily, but if I was to encapsulate what I hope for the new year, it would be as Alain de Botton wrote on his Twitter account:

Goals for 2010: Concentration, humour, friendship, ambition, courage, good cheer.
An end to: paranoia, timidity, self-pity, evil, resentment.

All things on which I need work, and I intend to work hard. There are the normal hopes for change in routine, for the twice more a week at the gym than I currently do, the biking more in bad weather, the more regular writing. But I think – I am quite sure, in fact – that if I concentrate on the goals he set above, the rest will follow. The good will engender all sorts of energy; the avoidance of the negatives will leave more space for that energy to fill in positive and creative and – dare I say – more ambitious ways.

A somewhat funny but current struggle is how I personally will deal with the cloying ubiquity of Facebook. I have to say, I get on it as much as the next person, but I really am starting to dislike its insistence. It is driving me mad hanging onto my trouser legs, demanding attention and replies. And not nice replies either, like our blogs in the old days used to have. Just…. filler. Or its users taking things on it too seriously. Trying to write something nice or honest or creative or just plain casual on Facebook is like trying to give a thoughtful performance of Hamlet's soliloquy in the midst of a of a WWE match.

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I've said it before as well, but I do, in all seriousness, think this is the year to decide about this blog. To be honest, I'm not sure why I do it anymore. I used to do it for the small community we built, but with Brandon gone, Kat not blogging, Neil branding, and, well, everyone else dissipated to the ether, it just is not the same. I write because I like to write, I suppose, but I am not sure what the forum or message should be anymore. And if the only forum is a few real life friends (which is extremely appreciated and valued) then maybe it is time to turn to an email update, or a new way of communicating that isn't Facebook. Perhaps… THE PHONE?

Maybe after six years of blogging I am simply bored with it. I read some blogs and they are so obvious; there is little genuine and creative. The mommy blogs all strive to be Dooce, the politicals Andrew Sullivan, etc. etc. There is a huge roar and din that cancel each other out and leave, to me, a great internet nothingness. Visual white noise; black characters lazing in rows across the screen.

In fact, the only thing I use the internet for, really (except work and news, of course), is humor. And this is why I like Twitter so so much. I sign up for someone funny. I get tweets throughout the day of cheerful little nuggets that make me chuckle, often when I need it most, unbeknownst to the Tweeter. Then it is over. No stupid comments; no copycat blogging. DONE. I love it.

More goals for 2010: Do something good every day. Challenge myself. Stop being a financial idiot. Back to yoga.

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Lastly, I suppose I have to face, with great sadness, the fact that my Amsterdam life as I knew it is genuinely over. The friends remain, but with me, they've all grown older and calmer. Some stop drinking, some are pregnant. The ex has a new girlfriend, and while we both are cordial and happy for each other, the friendship seemed to finally, naturally, and with positive energy, dissipate. The visits are now no longer the old crew out en masse and screaming "KOM OP!", but rather me visiting loved ones one by one, and reminiscing about the crazy kids we used to be; the kids that no longer are. Again, still lovely and valid, but an end nevertheless.

So this may finally be the year that the annual Amsterdam trip is packed quite lovingly away, and David and I do something just for ourselves, or with other friends also due their one on one time. Of course I will be back, of course of course. But never again in the same way. Because it will never again be the same.

Everything so old and new at the same time. It's a strange feeling. Mostly good, not entirely not bad. One I have never had before.

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So with the decade past I bid goodbye to those memorable times, to Amsterdam, the pinnacle of my youth, and the blogs that helped me through the latter part of it. I hope moving forward we – but mostly I – can learn to use the internet well and kindly, not to mention the consideration and love I hope to put in my every day, real life. 

In closing: I bought myself a new (used) Canon Rebel to replace the old. It isn't as nice as the old one, but it didn't cost as much. I decided to start the year being nice to myself, because I don't always need to be as mean to me as I am. And like Annie said – everyone deserves a new toy sometimes.