Monthly Archives: April 2010

The road.

Two weeks on the road was a long time, but it was well worth it both professionally and personally. Work in Fort Smith/Van Buren, then up for work around Bella Vista & Rogers, then a beautiful trip up to and through Missouri – you know where is beautiful? Eureka Springs, Arkansas. There is something to be said for them Ozarks. Then I went west to Oklahoma in time for the April 19 memorial, back through Little Rock; enjoyed the coffee talks with folks in Beebe and Paragould  – lastly, drove up from Kennett, Missouri all the way to St Louis. David flew up, we enjoyed the home show by Will Johnson and Anders Parker at Ann & Dab's – not to mention the fine company of the ladies and Carrrrmen & Jim. It was a great time. Tiring, but good.

If you ever go to St. Louis (which you should anyway), definitely go to the City Museum. That place is amazing. Wear kneepads and yoga pants. I'll talk about it more later.

Sorry Annie & Dab. I had to steal photos because I can't find my USB cord. I'll also do that later.

Thursday I'm out for a conference in Hot Springs on Friday. I'll be back long enough to pack up and grab the passport – I'm off to Germany. The first half is work, but then I'll visit little Miss V (the exchange student – remember how we had those?) on her home turf near Stuttgart. I'm excited to meet her mom. The real one.

ash and Jim

monkey

chalkboard

anders will


Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

And my poor fool is hang'd! No no no life!

Why should a dog, a horse, a rat, have life,

And thou no breath at all? Thou'lt come no more,

Never, never, never, never, never!


To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

Tadpole

I am a do-er. I make things. I go places.

I make plans and decisions.

With the exception of the times I have fallen in love, I have mindfully controlled the course of my life. You can’t control who you fall in love with – but while there were some I may have been better off without, I wouldn’t change anything.

I mean, once you fall in love, everything goes wonky and not exactly as you expect, but you readjust from there. That part is fun and exciting.

Rare are the things I do because I feel obliged or it is expected. This is different, however, from proper etiquette – I do sometimes write thank you notes or send cards when it is expected, but it is also a nice thing to do so I mind less.

I am ready to move again. It is time for a new beginning. 

That sentence just surprised me, by the way – it just appeared on the screen. It seems apropos of nothing, and yet I see in context that it may illustrate one of my great strengths vis a vis this question: I’m willing to make changes when things start feeling stale or out of control, and admit to my mistakes and failures. By recognizing these things and being ready to act on them, I always retain control of the direction my life takes.


Facebook.

So, I'm considering purging Facebook. Like, not really getting rid of it, but paring down the account and not really using it. It's too much. I don't like it.  Does anyone else feel that way?

David & I are considering just having a shared one, to cut down on crazy and keep in touch with the closest circle. I know the "shared account" concept is icky for some people, but it might work for how we want to use YouFace.

First world problems.


Hypocrisy.

Homeless man and dog

Suddenly today folks in the Dallas network on Facebook became seriously inflamed over the fact that the Texas Department of Housing and Community Affairs are having a hearing to vote on the location of a new low-income housing project for the chronically homeless. Why so up in arms? Because the location would be nearby Exposition Park, home to about three well-loved bars, some loft housing, and scattered business.

So far, everything I have read about this so-called "shelter" has been really nice. Not that the newspaper can be relied on for the ultimate truth, but I liked this description from the Dallas Morning News: "At the Cottages [the name for the 50-unit low-income housing project], residents would receive a range of services, including mental health and substance abuse treatment and help getting to appointments that the chronically homeless often miss, such as meetings with probation officers."

Wow, yeah. That sounds like it is really going to bring the neighborhood down.

Two of the places trying to organize people to attend the hearing and stand in opposition to this project are bars in Exposition Park – one of which happens to be Double Wide. Given my history with the place, both good (my wedding and many good times) and (recently) very bad, I tell you: this is one of the most hypocritical things I have ever seen.

Double Wide, without a HINT of irony, started a Facebook event page to get people to come to the hearing, stating: "We feel this will only bring more crime to the neighborhood we are
trying so hard to clean up. We already have too many thefts and muggings
as it is to deal with. We just caught a homeless guy breaking into the
bar at 3 in afternoon this past Saturday (in broad daylight!). Please do
not bring more to our neighborhood"

WOW. Double Wide has the AUDACITY to talk about trying to clean up their neighborhood! This I can hardly believe. I can't tell you how many people I have seen leave that bar in their cars drunk, doing blow in the bathrooms (INCLUDING the owner), get in fights, and – oh yes – ask to stay with people because they are in between homes. What was that last part? Right. They were homeless at the time.

I like how no one ever
voices concern about the plethora of drunk drivers leaving the Expo
bars, the drug use, the owner of DW setting off fireworks in the middle
of the night, or the bar fights, but GODDAMN you try to put 50 units of
socialist-leaning help in there and everyone in downtown Dallas is up in arms. Happy to see
judgementalism, racism, and narcissism are alive and well in Dallas.
Nice.

I should be fair. Double Wide was one of the bars that threw a "fundraiser" for the small group of employees who unfortunately lost their jobs with the Lower Greenville bars went up in flames. How nice.

Yet the owner of Double
Wide has been happy to render many of her past employees jobless without
warrant or notice.
And how about extending a kind and generous hand to 50-odd people who might be trying to pull themselves out of a truly terrible situation (not just short-term employment)? Absolutely not. White trash, thy name is hypocrisy. Or Kim, or Chelsea – take your pick.

It is the sort of hypocrisy I tried to point out during the time the fundraisers for the lower Greenville workers were being planned, and boy did I get a derisory smack-down about that one. Turns out, my call on it was right – Dallas is happy to lend a helping hand, but only when the hand they touch is well-dressed, white, and like themselves.

The most disappointing part of this is seeing how many people I thought were friends register their approval of opposition. I am fine with people having disparate political beliefs, but I draw the line at being friends with jerks.



Tattoos I have considered.

Knittingtattoo

1. Native flowers from places I have lived: tulip from The Netherlands, a Texas bluebonnet, a New England wildflower, etc.

2. A tattoo incorporating knitting – I like the idea of a work in progress, but definitely better executed than the above.

3. An extinct animal: thylacine, a Stephen Island wren, passenger pigeon, a trilobite, etc.

4. "Love, music, wine, and revolution"

5. Various punctuation marks.

6. Random words from my favorite books.

7. David's face.

Just kidding on that last one! I'd never get David's face tattooed on me. That's ridiculous.

I'd get a tattoo of his cock instead.


Second home.

purse

Saturday I left Dallas and spent the weekend in Arkansas. I met with some of the folks I manage and was taken out for fried shrimp and fried chicken livers and fried fried, and then I came to St. Louis to work for the week at Annie & Dab's house before I have to be back in Arkansas Thursday. Today we went for a falafel lunch and Annie and I discovered that not only did we both have the same color lip gloss, but we each had a tiny bottle of Tabasco in our bags. I find this coincidence highly amusing and somewhat odd.

Right now I'm sitting in Annie & Dab's bright home while they get dinner started and Friday (the bloodhound) naps at my feet. It is a beautiful spring day in St. Louis. Tonight we'll go to Blueberry Hill and see Heartless Bastards. I had a productive workday. I'm feeling pretty happy at the moment, with the exception of missing Davey. However, it's also nice to have time with the ladies. It's been a while since we just hung out the three of us. It always feels like home around them, like back in the day.

The other night I went to see Yeasayer with Lesleeeee. We were standing next to a young couple in the throes of lusty young love, making out all over the place. Remembering the shivery limerence of first love, we wistfully reminisced over the early days of our loves. Remember that?  It was so long ago now. I'm glad David & I still make out a lot. But now we have the other parts that only get better with time.

How strange this need to create tribes and partner. Biology, nature, hormone cocktails. Love.

Anyway, Yeasayer was pretty fun. I noted that the girl next to me had the telling X's of her underage existence on her hands. If she's as young as 18, I thought, I'm exactly twice her age. Then I stopped thinking about that, because it depressed me. And it is silly to be depressed at a Yeasayer show.

I hope the show tonight is not all ages.

Speaking of happy, I wish I had my bicycle. It is a wonderful afternoon for a bike ride, and St. Louis is surprisingly bike friendly. Maybe I can go for a gallop on this bloodhound instead. She's pony-sized.


If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I would have spent more of it outside, in untamed places. Other than that? I think I have done pretty well.


Two Campers in Cloud Country (Rock Lake, Canada), Sylvia Plath

In this country there is neither measure nor balance
To redress the dominance of rocks and woods,
The passage, say, of these man-shaming clouds.

No gesture of yours or mine could catch their attention,
No word make them carry water or fire the kindling
Like local trolls in the spell of a superior being.

Well, one wearies of the Public Gardens: one wants a vacation
Where trees and clouds and animals pay no notice;
Away from the labeled elms, the tame tea-roses.

It took three days driving north to find a cloud
The polite skies over Boston couldn't possibly accommodate.
Here on the last frontier of the big, brash spirit

The horizons are too far off to be chummy as uncles;
The colors assert themselves with a sort of vengeance.
Each day concludes in a huge splurge of vermilions

And night arrives in one gigantic step.
It is comfortable, for a change, to mean so little.
These rocks offer no purchase to herbage or people:

They are conceiving a dynasty of perfect cold.
In a month we'll wonder what plates and forks are for.
I lean to you, numb as a fossil. Tell me I'm here.

The Pilgrims and Indians might never have happened.
Planets pulse in the lake like bright amoebas;
The pines blot our voices up in their lightest sighs.

Around our tent the old simplicities sough
Sleepily as Lethe, trying to get in.
We'll wake blank-brained as water in the dawn.


Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

There may be times one settles for something in one aspect of life so that one can do what one believes in in another aspect.

Sometimes even the most exotic can become routine.

It’s neither one nor the other; neither here nor there.

**********

Questions of Travel, Elizabeth Bishop

There are too many waterfalls here; the crowded streams
hurry too rapidly down to the sea,
and the pressure of so many clouds on the mountaintops
makes them spill over the sides in soft slow-motion,
turning to waterfalls under our very eyes.
–For if those streaks, those mile-long, shiny, tearstains,
aren’t waterfalls yet,
in a quick age or so, as ages go here,
they probably will be.
But if the streams and clouds keep travelling, travelling,
the mountains look like the hulls of capsized ships,
slime-hung and barnacled.

Think of the long trip home.
Should we have stayed at home and thought of here?
Where should we be today?
Is it right to be watching strangers in a play
in this strangest of theatres?
What childishness is it that while there’s a breath of life
in our bodies, we are determined to rush
to see the sun the other way around?
The tiniest green hummingbird in the world?
To stare at some inexplicable old stonework,
inexplicable and impenetrable,
at any view,
instantly seen and always, always delightful?
Oh, must we dream our dreams
and have them, too?
And have we room
for one more folded sunset, still quite warm?

But surely it would have been a pity
not to have seen the trees along this road,
really exaggerated in their beauty,
not to have seen them gesturing
like noble pantomimists, robed in pink.
–Not to have had to stop for gas and heard
the sad, two-noted, wooden tune
of disparate wooden clogs
carelessly clacking over
a grease-stained filling-station floor.
(In another country the clogs would all be tested.
Each pair there would have identical pitch.)
–A pity not to have heard
the other, less primitive music of the fat brown bird
who sings above the broken gasoline pump
in a bamboo church of Jesuit baroque:
three towers, five silver crosses.
–Yes, a pity not to have pondered,
blurr’dly and inconclusively,
on what connection can exist for centuries
between the crudest wooden footwear
and, careful and finicky,
the whittled fantasies of wooden footwear
and, careful and finicky,
the whittled fantasies of wooden cages.
–Never to have studied history in
the weak calligraphy of songbirds’ cages.
–And never to have had to listen to rain
so much like politicians’ speeches:
two hours of unrelenting oratory
and then a sudden golden silence
in which the traveller takes a notebook, writes:

“Is it lack of imagination that makes us come
to imagined places, not just stay at home?
Or could Pascal have been not entirely right
about just sitting quietly in one’s room?

Continent, city, country, society:
the choice is never wide and never free.
And here, or there . . . No. Should we have stayed at home,
wherever that may be?”


At Least

At Least
By Raymond Carver

I want to get up early one more morning,
before sunrise. Before the birds, even.
I want to throw cold water on my face
and be at my work table
when the sky lightens and smoke
begins to rise from the chimneys
of the other houses.
I want to see the waves break
on this rocky beach, not just hear them
break as I did all night in my sleep.
I want to see again the ships
that pass through the Strait from every
seafaring country in the world—
old, dirty freighters just barely moving along,
and the swift new cargo vessels
painted every color under the sun
that cut the water as they pass.
I want to keep an eye out for them.
And for the little boat that plies
the water between the ships
and the pilot station near the lighthouse.
I want to see them take a man off the ship
and put another up on board.
I want to spend the day watching this happen
and reach my own conclusions.
I hate to seem greedy—I have so much
to be thankful for already.
But I want to get up early one more morning, at least.
And go to my place with some coffee and wait.
Just wait, to see what’s going to happen.


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